Hi
I am The Sebastian Knight but Jane Doe is really Ruby Gloom, or was, until I killed her.
Like she thought, it was a tie as to who would do it. In the end, it could be said we shared the title. Technically it was her, but it was me who forced to her hand, failed to stop her, and then did not turn up, as would have been her plan, to save her.
What's the worst thing you can do for a person with BPD? Keep showing them how much you love them to try and ease their pain. Why is that bad? Cos it actually increases their pain becuase it reinforces to their Dark Side why you will no doubt dump them or remind her that she is not worthy. Either way, her pain intensifies.
And with the glorious technicolor panavision of hindsight, I see that all my many and exhaustive efforts, whilst noble and well intentioned were not what she needed. Not by themselves at least. What she needed was constant confirmation of my love. All of the actions that screamed louder than any words were not enough and not recieved as proof positive of my love.
And whilst watching the constant looping of our time together, I now see the signs, the hints, even the veiled requests of the the many missed opportunities - the error of my ways.
But I have also seen many clues. Clues that the funeral I wasn't a part of, was inevitable. In fact, on a bad day, I wonder how many of us sat in that chapel, invisible to the world, alone with a grief for something that may not have actually happened, at least not the way we experienced it.
Ruby took to me to such amazing places that I often wondered if it were true or, as this period coincided largely with the revelations of my own mental frailties, I wondered if it were just not some awesome dream sequence. I even told her on a numnber of occiasions that I feared I would be suddenly awoken from this dream to find my self naked on the floor of the local Westfield, screaming while shoppers stood around gaping.
Well, I have woken from the dream, and the nightmare is worse.
I started by saying that Jane Doe is really Ruby Gloom. True but not accurate. Ruby Gloom is the woman I loved passionately, more passionately than anyone ever before (a fact that I only truly relaised the night before I saw her for the last time - it is one small comfort that she knew that before she left us). But Ruby had at least one alter ego. We called her BG (in good times Ruby would sign her emails to me with RG, and even "Your RG", so when her dark side emerged I swapped the R for a 'B' for Bad). The offerings from Jane Doe are pure BG.
So now she has been released from her hell, but I have been sentenced to one of my own. So while Jane Doe set out to portray a world that would protect Ruby from her true feelings or the awful consequences she felt were inevitable if she did admit her feelings to herself, I will use this space to set the record straight.
But my truth has two caveats:
1 - it is my perception and although I have not been perfect or all that she needs (as these pages will show), I am probably unable to convey those things that may or do portray me in a bad way - some because I haven't recognised them yet or because my ego prevents me from seeing them
2 - it is emerging now that many truths and facts that I had never questioned are, at least for the time being, subject to verification.
I don't think that Ruby was dishonest with me, I think she had cast such a fractured and compartmentalised life for herself that she belived much of what she said to keep it all from collapsin; she had to. And indeed when BG was out and about, who knows. I realise more and more that BG didn't always wear an evil guise, she could be very sweet if need be. That was what could through me, I thought I was dealing with Ruby but it was BG. And how was it that I could be reciing buckjets of boile spewed by BG but at the same time all around her woudl not notice the chnage in her manner - she coudl stil be sweet and functional.
Between them, and others, they could be very deceptive. And once you have decived yourself, everyone else is easy.
So what you are about to read is real, it's from my heart and it tries to get the really story of Us out there. If for no other reason than I can see something that exists.
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