Introducing, Number Four - Our Story but His background (by Sebastian Knight)

I’m not suggesting it was love at first sight but I cannot sleep with a woman with whom I do not have some connection.  So I gave of myself hoping to forge a stronger attraction and link.  And of course that was my mistake – well only in so much as I climbed aboard a slippery slope.  I opened a part of myself, my heart to give and in so doing allowed her to sneak in. 

Now I’ve had many girlfriends, too many – and if I’m honest with myself and with no criticism intended to some who were just not my type, my history has been one of quantity with little very quality.  I’ve been married and I’ve had a “life partner” but there had been only three occasions when I ever felt that I had lost myself in the love of another.  I was head over heels in love with three of my first four girlfriends.  And in each case they broke my heart.  I think the final one was responsible for the council moving in and boarding up my heart.  Or at least limiting the access of visitors.  Sure I loved others; I certainly felt strong love for my wife and Germaine.  I was probably even in love, no, I was.  Just that I was not totally besotted.  With Germaine, I was singled minded and dogged in my pursuit, she seemed the most amazing woman, and all of the feelings I had were strong and healthy and normal.  But until I fell for Ruby, I had forgotten how much of my heart had been off limits for 17 years.

And so it was that she became known as Number Four. 

Incidentally, it was the girlfriend during those first four for whom I have the most fond feelings still.  This even includes my ex-wife, Mavis was a wonderful woman and I realised when I met up with her recently that she was almost the perfect combination of my ex-wife and Germaine.  Yet I was a complete khunnt to her, what I did was bordering inhumane.  I wonder if it was coincidence that I should meet her again when I was in the midst of pain from a separation from Ruby.  She reminded my of the pain I had caused her – it was awful, I was worse than awful.  So what was happening to me then was perhaps karma?  Fair enough too.

And I should also explain that Numbers Two and Three were massive mistakes.  Mavis pointed out, quite rightly that No 2 was just trailer trash – and that was more a statement of fact than an insult (her Dad was returning to his wife after a week of straying and the mistress took the opportunity to all the wife and tell her “when your husband gets home, smell his cock cos I just fucked him”.  I don’t think No. 2 fell too far from the tree.  And my nickname for Number Three is Dead Horse, because whilst I pursued my relationship with her (including declining a ticket to see Nirvana at ANU Bar!!) it was akin to Flogging a Dead Horse.  So whilst I was startled by the behaviour of my heart it didn’t bode well.

Number One is exempt as she and I were too young to really understand what it all meant.  Sure she was my first true love and we had great relationship, as best you can when you are allowed a sleep over at each other’s house with parents present.  I suspect that the agony I felt when we split was more than just love and aroused our abandonment issues too.  

Enter, My Sanctum - Our Story Pt 3 (by Sebastian Knight)

When I got there, with a massive lump of fear in my throat, I was still kidding myself I could turn back.  For here I was on the verge of massive infidelity.  It’s one thing to have a one-night stand, a spontaneous act to regret when sober inth e morning, but to take time to care fully plan the act was another thing entirely.  And at that moment even the planning could be dismissed as a flirtiong version of chcken.  And I think eithr that day or at that time we boith expressed surprised that the other was serious She was just going along with it to see how far I would go, and i was doing the sme, I wanted to see at which point she was joking. So

So she met me at the door, in “those” pyjamas.  She wqws drowsy, form the painkillers.  I suggested that she may be too unwell to proceed but she threw the challneg back to me as she climbed back into her bed.

I thinmk at the time I was starting to thinkin that it was all a little tawdry and that perhaps this was not her firsdt time doing this.  Indeed her suggestions and diurections forth plans seemed to be without any reservation, nerves or uncertainty.

Oh well, what the hell me thinks.  Even a dodgy root was better than none (that is one of the phiosphies that I have had had the misfortune to carry through my life – a sex life that is based based on quantity not necessarily quality or if there hass been qualities they are not virtuous ones associated with e sacred act).

So I undressed, probably down to my jocks and jumped in.

The first thing that I found was the softest skin I have ever felt.  It was like nothing I had every touched before.  She was aware there was something unique about her skina nd said something about hair eithr the lack there of or it’s type.  A genetic thing that her dad I also had (or maybe I got that wriong).  And her curves, she had aamazing curves. 

As I recall the act was nothing amazing but certainky not disappointing.  There was definitely some promise.  But her manner was indifferent and detacthed.  I stayed in bed with her for a while and we spoke, I told her a bit about myself and a few dreams etc.  She listened, or at least didn’t interrupt.  There was a relaxing vibe about the situation and before father time took our time away I managed another quick session.

I seem to recall that she denied me when I tried to go down on her.  Her excuse was that it’s beverf very good and she’s not a fan.  On subsequent occasiosn, Once I had priven myself worthy and the act worthwhile for her, she would occasionally deny me with excuses about not showeringand feeling dirty.  This is understandable but it was used inconsistently such that I later came to the conclusion that when I was denied it was because she was worried that “the room had not been properly cleaned since the prevous occupant had checked out” – yup, I was not alone.  Over time, I recognised that her inability to be exlusive for part of something much biiger, and such was my conern for her that any jealousies were cast aside as I tried to help her.  Don’t het me wrong, she wanted to be faithful and her heart was faithful (at least to me and GRegor *(TBC)).

  

But I diverge and we will explore that side of Ruby and me later on.

I think after that first time there may have been an awkaward silence between us for a few hours or even days as we digested what we had done. Knowing her now, she would have been filled with both remorse as well as hope.  More of that revlentaion later too

Wanna Go Halves in Two Kids? - Our Story Pt 2 (by Sebastian Knight)

One day I was chatting with Ruby’ and others near her desk and we realised we both wanted four kids – she had too, Lou Lou and Charlie.  I trotted out my witty standard response: yes, I want four and Germaine only wants two, so I gave her the choice of which two she could provide before I find a mother for my other two.  Maybe we could go halves one of us said.  Everyone laughed, but only we shared a very special look.

It was around about now too that she joined Facebook and I was invited to be her friend.  Her request mentioned that she had very few but that was not why I accepted; it was another avenue to contact her. And I took her request as a hint, if not almost an invite to something more – ahh, wishful thinking, or is it fantasising?  As all good users new to Facebook I received a few lame contacts – a punch or a drink or such like.  Then I received an invite from her to do a quiz.  I think it was Top Ten Turn Ons asking to rate each of a series of acts.  I got it all mixed up or maybe I was thinking too far ahead but I ordered them by the things I would do them to her – the sequence by which I would seduce her and make love to her.  I soon realised my error and rearranged the order although they were only minor changes.  I sent her an FB email explaining and we exchanged one or two more assessing the relative merits of each.  It turned out she didn’t like having her toes sucked.  Now this is not something that is necessarily a part of my repertoire but I argued passionately in favour of the act and suggested the reason she had not enjoyed it until now was because she had not experienced my toe-sucks.

I Have This Mate....

From there we started a few emails through work.  It wasn’t long before the content became suggestive.  She knew I had a partner and so she was appropriately circumspect, if such a thing is possible while flirting.  Well actually it is because we started working out how she could receive a good back massage and perhaps other pleasures.  Initially we established the sorts of things she’d need then we considered how it would be possible to find a person with such skills,.  Then of course I remembered a “friend” who could provide everything she was after and more.  I started to describe the various skills and qualities of this friend which extended into the qualities that I felt sure she was seeking in a man.

By this stage the content was too hot for work email so we were using private email – my paranoia meant I used an alias (really? Go figure) so via my pseudonym of Mike Hum we started to escalate things until it got to the point where I came clean with her.  I explained that my domestic arrangement was very important to me and could do nothing to jeopardise it.  But I also explained that I desperately missed passion and sex in my life.  I proposed that, if interested, we could maybe pursue something together.  She responded that she understood and perhaps stated similar views in so much as she was not seeking anything permanent but certainly wanted physical companionship.  And so it was agreed.  But when? 

Hot Pix

Around now she sent me a photo, a rather provocative photo of her in her panties holding her amazing breasts.  She was on her knees on her bed.  She explained that the photo was taken by a friend, a male friend but one she didn’t sleep with.  There were distant alarm bells ringing in my head.  If nothing else my paranoia thought it may have been the photo she used for an online dating bio (I had recently taken a temporary foray into the dark world of online “dating (aka, sexual encounters with no strings).  But damn ed if I was going to pay $14.95 a month to chat up men posing as woman).

The photo nonetheless further aroused my desires and interest.  For surely here was a babe with an attitude that suggested great sex ahead.

She also told me of her outfit used for washing the car – short denim shorts and a white t-shirt.  The alarm bells went mad.  But she explained it all too easily as it was a comfortable outfit but could see, she supposed, how it could be appealing.  IF she was faking her innocence, it was convincing, and especially as I was keen to be convinced.  She also described her pyjamas – little shorts and a tight top with lacy bits across the boobs, it sounded hot and I told her so.  Once again she just explained that she liked them and they were comfy.  Butter would not have melted in her mouth but I was hoping I soon would.

We eventually (quickly) settled on a Monday lunch time, at her place. 

When the big day arrived there was no sign of her, she was not at work.  I think I received either an email or text explaining she had a migraine.  Taking it at face value I considered not going but she encouraged me and off I went.  She texted to check where I was and to advise the door was open.

It is worth noting that all the arrangements for the first time were done without talking – either TXT or email.

Ruby's Songs for Sebasatian

I received this list of song from Ruby way back on 17 November 2008

It was in response to the first "Mixed Tap" CD I had given her. It was called "AM/FM" (a play on her moniker, AM and it was From Me).  There was another two in that series.

Then I gave her a double album of songs that I compiled during the second attempt that I was a part of. This was the turning point in our relationship for me (the event, not the CD).  For despite the feelings I had had until then, I was acting cool, remaining ambivalent and non-commital.  It had to take that act to wake me up.  Until then we had not said Those Three Words to each other.  We'd beat around the bush with "I love it when you...." etc.  But we had always recognised the look we found in each others eyes.  When we were  In The Act, we avoided opening our eyes at the same time - we were so scared of what we could see in them: sheer soulful, yearning, aching love.  We later acknowledged the look and accepted that what we had was not all just "chemistry"

The double album was compiled when I thought she was dead, if not so severely damaged that she'd require a Carer for ever more, a fate far worse for Ruby than living.  The album, called Before Middle End Next, captured the soundtrack for the phases of our time together:

1. How We Got There - love song dedications
2. The End? - dark songs of love and madness tracking the descent into her attempt
3. Bye Bye - sad songs of love lost captured my sorrow when I was sure she was gone
4. Hello Again - expressing joy that she was alive and optimism  that we may have a future together.

She liked the CD's and I was working on a an album cover which included all of the lryicvs with the parts highlighted.  Like everything, it took me ages to finalise, and during one "episode" I sent it to her in soft copy so that she could see what I was doing for her.  I never got around to properly presenting it to her.  

In The Beginining - Our Story Pt1 (by Sebastian Knight)

I was in a relationship with Germaine Greer.  I had been for 8 years.  The first two were great. Then it became a relationship focused on life’s fundamentals of nesting and procreating.  Somewhere I stopped being in love with her.  I loved her like a sister or mate and enjoyed her companionship but the magic was gone, it had left like it always does for me.  So we had the kids, Augie and Holy.  Holly was not even one.

I had seen Ruby at work.  We used to politely acknowledge each other in the tea room.  She was the cutest thing about.  And I felt my admiration reciprocated.  Eventually we found some common ground to discuss; our kids.  Then she was off; leaving to sort out her life.  A messy separation (yippee!).  She was gone.  Sigh.  But then, three months later she returned.  Yay!

The polite enquiries about each other’s children resumed.  She always forgot the names of mine and politely enquired and was reminded, remembering long enough for the chat. 

Biopsy

Then one day in the kitchen I noticed she had lost her sparkle.  She was down.  What’s wrong I asked.  I’m going in for a biopsy on my cervix she tells me.  I felt suddenly crushed.  How could this happen to such a young vibrant woman; and of course it tapped into my own loss of my birth mother through cervical cancer.  She was going in the next day but the result wouldn’t be delivered until next week, when I was to be away in Wally World.  Her appointment was the same day as our trip to see Princess Wally.  I couldn’t get it out my mind.  I even set my alarm to remind me so that I could send positive vibes on the day.  I told her only that we’d be whooping it up on that day and wished her well.

On the day, she was in my thoughts and I tried to buy her something without Germaine catching on.  I told her what I was doing but any expenses on others greater than a few token dollars was always excessive.  So in frustration I just bought some chocolates featuring Wally’s Aussie animal mates.

When I returned to work it was a few days before I saw her.  And when I did she had almost forgotten all about it.  But was touched that I was concerned.

 I dropped some of the chocky bars in her drawer one night thinking she’d twig given they were from Wally World.  But I didn’t hear back from here.  Sometime later she asked if it were me and said thanks.

The Eyes Have It

Now I should point out at this stage the most amazing thing about Ruby; her eyes!  It wasn’t just the wonderful shape (almond?), or the incredible lashes that were so long and curled that I thought they must be fake or at least subject to a curling wand each morning.  I’m not one for makeup and excessive female grooming but for these eyes I made an exception (though it turned out the lashes were a la natural, woohoo ) .  But there was more, it wasn’t just the sparkle, and that they held more than a hint of mischief, it was not just the happiness that they radiated when she smiled (they lit up and blinded me).  Nope, it was more.  In her eyes I could see that this woman had lived, and some of it had been very hard.  Her eyes begged to tell a story.  I’m a big believer in the saying “the eyes are the windows on the soul” (this was to be later proven with a variety of results.  Read on for that, it’s worth it)and I was enchanted.

So our friendship had progressed to another level, not friends as such but some kind of bond based on her brush with death (as it turns out during this time she had more than a brush with death, she had tried to give herself a complete new coat – an unsuccessful suicide attempt.  Her most successful failure to date – only another 30 minutes and it would have been successful).

I remember one day I was having a particularly frustrating day and it was spilling out.  I tried to see Gail Kelly but she wasn’t in, someone said something and I snapped and said some dumb shit in the open area in front of Gail’s office where Ruby sat.  It was not a good look.  I felt stupid and embarrassed and wanted to make amends to Ruby who had witnessed it.  Unfortunately she sat next to Paula Harrogan, a floozy who thought that acting cute and offering the hint of sexual gratification could make up for her lack of ability (and good looks).  So given she too had witnessed my outburst I had to be seen to do the right thing and approached them both with an apology.  Of course my offer to Paula was curt but I said a bit more to Ruby.  It was Game On I realised.

From there we would share happy banter and stupid small talk.  But I couldn’t crack a big chat, plus too many people would be watching and they would see straight through me.  (Why is that when am man talks to a woman there is the immediate assumption that something must be on between them?  Probably because that is exactly what it was!)

What Is BPD? Part One of.....

(scroll down for the good stuff, otherwise read my background to this info)

I found this on the Dads In Distress website which Ruby had put me on to.  I had assumed it was because her husband may have used it to deal with aspects of their separation.  At the time I found nothing of much help to me, my separation, whist not enjoyable was no where near the horror stories that these men seemed to ensure.  I marked it for future reference etc.  FOr soem reason I was drawn back after Ruby left and thought it was odd that they should have an explanation of BPD in teh "Info on Disorders Sections, expeciallay as the only others they have are:  Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP). 

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV, BPD is diagnosed when there is an instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, mood swings and impulsive behaviour. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BP) often feels both dependent and hostile towards their supporters which makes for a very tumultuous interpersonal relationship. In general, people with BPD feel empty, moody, needy, depressed, fear being alone and fear being abandoned. They are looking for that person who can give them the love that they can’t give themselves, the person who can fill the hole left deep within them. 

BP's see things as black or white, I love you or I hate you and base their shallow beliefs on feelings rather than facts. A BP's beliefs are shallow as they don’t have a belief system of their own; they are usually following other people beliefs and thoughts. Dealing with this pain is done two ways 'acting in' or 'acting out'. Acting in is when they self injure (SI), make suicide attempts, abuse alcohol and/or drugs, express self-hate and uselessness. Acting out is when they focus on their partner/family by laying blame on them for all their problems, make unfair and often fabricated accusations, emotionally abuse them, placing their partners/family in 'no win' situation and use emotional blackmail to get the love they need. Having said all of that remember the most important issue, BP's are living in pain and fear - each and every day. Most of the time their actions are a result of them getting through each day, this is how they survive.
A person with this disorder will exhibit a majority (5 or more traits) of the following symptoms:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
• impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, alcohol, drugs, reckless driving, binge eating)
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self mutilating behavior
• unstable emotional states which are easily triggered and last from anywhere between an hour and a few days
• chronic feelings of emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, abusive behaviour, recurrent physical fights)
• transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

The interesting point here is that every person on this earth experiences some or all of the above at some time in their life but it is the frequency and intensity that distinguishes BPD.

Who is Sebastian Knight? - Update

It turns out Sebastian Knight is also the name for a yet to be released movie.  Here is a quote from a blog:

"Apparantley [sic] Seann William scott has just signed up to play a suave secret agent in new comedy sebastian knight. It'll follow the adventures of knight, whos trying to save the world while being hassled by a neurotic woman he bedded in a one-night stand."

And here is a more marketing flavoured synopsis

"The romantic comedy centers around a neurotic woman addicted to self-help who has a one-night stand with a guy only to find out he is a CIA agent who hooked up with her to get himself out of a jam."

And who is Seann Willam Scott?  Remember  "Dude, Where's My Car?",  "Road Trip" and the "American Pie" films?

So is the reference Ruby was making (the movie I hope, not the actor)?

Welcome to Hell - Mine and Hers

Hi
I am The Sebastian Knight but Jane Doe is really Ruby Gloom, or was, until I killed her.  


Like she thought, it was a tie as to who would do it.  In the end, it could be said we shared the title.  Technically it was her, but it was me who forced to her hand, failed to stop her, and then did not turn up, as would have been her plan, to save her.


What's the worst thing you can do for a person with BPD?  Keep showing them how much you love them to try and ease their pain.  Why is that bad?  Cos it actually increases their pain becuase it reinforces to their Dark Side why you will no doubt dump them or remind her that she is not worthy.  Either way, her pain intensifies.


And with the glorious technicolor panavision of hindsight, I see that all my many and exhaustive efforts, whilst noble and well intentioned were not what she needed.  Not by themselves at least.  What she needed was constant confirmation of my love.  All of the actions that screamed louder than any words were not enough and not recieved as proof positive of my love.


And whilst watching the constant looping of our time together, I now see the signs, the hints, even the veiled requests of the the many missed opportunities - the error of my ways.  


But I have also seen many clues.  Clues that the funeral I wasn't a part of, was inevitable.  In fact, on a bad day, I wonder how many of us sat in that chapel, invisible to the world, alone with a grief for something that may not have actually happened, at least not the way we experienced it.


Ruby took to me to such amazing places that I often wondered if it were true or, as this period coincided largely with the revelations of my own mental frailties, I wondered if it were just not some awesome dream sequence.  I even told her on a numnber of occiasions that I feared I would be suddenly awoken from this dream to find my self naked on the floor of the local Westfield, screaming while shoppers stood around gaping. 


Well, I have woken from the dream, and the nightmare is worse.


I started by saying that Jane Doe is really Ruby Gloom.  True but not accurate.  Ruby Gloom is the woman I loved passionately, more passionately than anyone ever before (a fact that I only truly relaised the night before I saw her for the last time - it is one small comfort that she knew that before she left us).  But Ruby had at least one alter ego.  We called her BG (in good times Ruby would sign her emails to me with RG, and even "Your RG", so when her dark side emerged I swapped the R for  a 'B' for Bad). The offerings from Jane Doe are pure BG.


So now she has been released from her hell, but I have been sentenced to one of my own.  So while Jane Doe set out to portray a world that would protect Ruby from her true feelings or the awful consequences she felt were inevitable if she did admit her feelings to herself, I will use this space to set the record straight.


But my truth has two caveats:
1 - it is my perception and although I have not been perfect or all that she needs (as these pages will show), I am probably unable to convey those things that may or do portray me in a bad way - some because I haven't recognised them yet or because my ego prevents me from seeing them 
2 - it is emerging now that many truths and facts that I had never questioned are, at least for the time being, subject to verification.


I don't think that Ruby was dishonest with me, I think she had cast such a fractured and compartmentalised life for herself that she belived much of what she said to keep it all from collapsin; she had to.  And indeed when BG was out and about, who knows.  I realise more and more that BG didn't always wear an evil guise, she could be very sweet if need be.  That was what could through me, I thought I was dealing with Ruby but it was BG.  And how was it that I could be reciing buckjets of boile spewed by BG but at the same time all around her woudl not notice the chnage in her manner - she coudl stil be sweet and functional.
Between them, and others, they could be very deceptive.  And once you have decived yourself, everyone else is easy.


So what you are about to read is real, it's from my heart and it tries to get the really story of Us out there.  If for no other reason than I can see something that exists.